Sometimes the detest runs so deep, I can't believe it myself. Not detest for the person, mind you - I still think he's an awesome guy. But detest for what he oes, what he's done to me, what he's made me become, and what I am when I'm with him. Sort of a hate the sin, not the sinner concept. Also because I think I'm quite a nice human being - except when I'm with him. Because I'mnot myself when I'm with him.
Today he sat me down and insulted my mother for some twenty minutes. I can't say a thing. Because if I do, he says "By marrying me, you automatically chose me above your parents. Now you're letting me down big time. I knew I compromised on my choice of wife..." and so on. Which will annoy me even further.
And I realised one thing about him. He has, and never will, ever say even ONE nice thing about somebody. Unless he's commenting on women's looks or their body, he won't have a single compliment. And he can't even think, or begin to comprehend the fact that there may be a nice intention behind the action.
He's by far the most selfish, most arrogant and most egoistical person I've ever come across. And I've come across a lot of people, mind you. A lot. I find nothing about him cute or attractive or endearing.
You know, as long as things are going his way, he's fine. As soon as something begins to even contemplate taking another route, he gets pissed off. And his temper doesn't allow for mild admonitions or anything. It's always insults, liberal doses of the F word, and the like.
Really, I want to find a way to get out. I know I've built myself a viscious circle, but now everything I do is only making it more viscious. If I had fought, I could have fought over and over enough for me to say "I'm sick of this" and walk out. But I kept silent because I'm so damn petrified of his temper. And of being hit again. And now I can't say anything because old habits have died hard. And I want to get out so badly, I cry about it everyday, driving back home. Most people I know whine about heading TO work - I whine about heading FROM work.
I hate this marriage.
What is the point in installing a mosquito shield worth thousands, on your windows, and then forbidding all and sundry from opening the windows?
And grumbling from dawn to midnight about it?
Asshole.
I felt nothing. Nothing.
It's been nearly a month since we had sex, so Hub tried to initiate some last night. And zilch. No horniness whatsoever.
In fact, the more excited he got, the more disinterested I got, so I went through everthing mechanically. And did the next best thing to foreplay - I went down on him.
I faked orgasm again last night.
Chee.
It's now 7:30 pm...
... an hour past my deadline to reach home. I've realised I keep deliberately working late (although there's no real need for me to) so I can avoid spending that half an hour extra with Hub. Sigh.
Seriously, I wouldn't recommend marriage to any woman. To all men, yes, but definitely not to women.
Morning Irritation
My adopted aunt gifted us a phenomenol sum of money for a wedding present. When I called to tell Hub about this, he didn't pick up the phone. So I called my bro and folks instead. Then I called hub again. He didn't react about the money, about the fact that I had build enough goodwill with people in France, for them to gift us this much moeny without ever having seen his face.
He stopped talking to me and put the phone down because he wasn't the first to receive the news. Apparently I love my brother more than I love him.
News Flash: It's true.
I’ve been observing over the past few days, just how much time my husband and I spend together. Here’s what I’ve noticed…
I wake up at 7:30. I wake him up at 8:30. He sleeps in till 9:15, while I instruct my maid, make breakfast, get dressed, etc. When he goes in for a bath, I leave for work. Here I must interrupt to add that I have begun to do this deliberately, to avoid spending more than the absolutely necessary amount of time with him.
We don’t speak the whole day.
I return at 7:30, and cook dinner. He returns at 9 (sometimes earlier, sometimes later) and immediately puts on the TV. Incidentally, I have been yelled at for talking to him while he watched TV. That’s a no-disturbance time.
After we’re through with dinner, he continues watching TV, while I put the food away. Then I crash out, and he watches TV for a while more before joining me. And the whole rigmarole repeats itself the next day.
What a charming life I’m leading, no?
Q & A Session
Question: Answer me honestly. Have I been a good husband? Do I take care of you?
Answer Given: Hmmm (plus vague shake of the head, plus mysterious half-smile)
Correct Answer: No. You are not a good husband. You don’t take care of me at all. I hate being married. Hate it so much that I have begun to hate marriage as an institution. Ever getting married will be my one regret in life.
On his request, nay, command, nay, threat, I've changed everything about me to be in this marriage. The way I dress, the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I socialise, the hours I work... EVERYTHING. But he's not happy. And I don't think he'll be happy unless he has my blood and my soul. Tucked in a little corner of his wallet, no, not where he can look at me and smile, but where he can can constantly keep an eye on me.
And then I'll be an empty shell. I'm already halfway there. So if I say I'm only half full now, would you call me an optimist?
Regret
I was burning up with a ten-day old, 104 degree fever, so I was back at home in Bangalore, being looked after and cared for by my parents. On the phone from midnight to 4:00 am, he insulted me, my parents, my family, my upbringing. Because, apparently, I was letting him down by staying back in Bangalore, instead of letting him take care of me. When he was the one that persuaded me to go in the first place. And he threatened that if I wasn't on the first train to Chennai the next morning, the wedding was off.
I wish I'd stayed back...
I don't think he's in love with me. I think he's in love with who he thinks I can be. He keeps saying how much he loves me, but I don't think that's true. You see, he'll be nice to me as long as I'm toeing his line. But the minute I try to be myself, he yells at me, calls me names, and threatens to walk out.
What he doesn't know, is that I'm planning to walk out myself. I don't know when, but it's definitely going to happen. This marriage is doomed, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I'm calm, and I'm known for my lack of temper, but there's only so many buttons on me one can push. He's tried nearly all. Once the last one is down, that's it for me, him, and anyone else that's involved. It'll be explosion time, and nothing will be contained once the flood gates are opened.
This marriage is over already. I'm in it only physically. Not emotionally, not mentally, not intellectually am I involved.
Quote Unquote
"If you come to _____, you'll drink. I think you should learn to be a woman. Stop drinking, stop partying and learn to be the woman of the house."
-December 3rd, 2006.
You know your marriage isn't going well when...
- Your husband whacks the shit out of you on the first night of your honeymoon. Over a smoking argument.
- Your husband gets drunk at his best friend's bachelor party and slaps you hard. Because he couldn't have sex.
- Your husband has a bad day at work, gets drunk and wrings your wrist hard, leaving it sprained and blue the next day. Because he couldn't have sex.
- You need to wear a sprain bandage for three days, and your husband doesn't know about it.
- Your husband says he "compromised" on his choice of wife by marrying you. Thrice.
- Your husband says he doesn't trust you, and calls you a chronic liar. Everyday.
- Your husband yells at you, in public, in the middle of the gynaec's lobby, and says you'll be the death of him.
- Your husband blames you for not using contraception, when the fact is the pill caused complications and you needed to take a break from it. For one month only.
- You and your husband speak a sum total of five sentences to each other over 48 hours. 48 normal, non-fighting hours.
- Your husband yells at you and calls you a fucking loudmouth because you dared to speak while he was watching TV.
- You wake up every night with nightmares, and are therefore tired all day next day. And your husband doesn't know about it.
- You try to tell your husband about an issue, and he says "why are you ruining our evening"
- You have faked orgasm since the first night of your honeymoon.
- You have come to detest sex.
- You're so mindfucked that there are simply days on end that you don't eat at all.
- You see a psychiatrist twice a week, and your husband doesn't know about it.
I should've just gone for Spanish Class
Seriously, I should've left him, his stupid rotten teeth and his assholic temper behind, and moved on with my day. Calling to cancel Spanish class so I could make "semi-solid food", namely banana milkshake with chocolate syrup for the supposed apple of my eye was such a bad idea.
So there was one tiny bit in the mailkshake I whipped up for him in two minutes, and strained. One bit. And the bit was spit out onto the carpet, I was told to not "fucking irritate" and called names. Plus the glaring and the humiliation topped the cake rather nicely. Rather.
Fuck you, Hubby, fuck you.
